Becoming a mother: Understanding the identity shift into motherhood
Postpartum isn’t just diapers, feedings and sleepless nights.
It’s an identity shift no one really prepares you for.
Yes, you’re caring for a new baby … but you’re also quietly letting go of versions of yourself you once knew.
Your priorities change. Your friendships shift. Your body feels unfamiliar. Your time is no longer fully your own.
And somewhere in the middle of all of this, you may find yourself wondering: Why don’t I feel like myself anymore?
Motherhood is both deeply transformative and deeply destabilizing.
It is a psychological, emotional and physical metamorphosis – one that unfolds whether or not you feel ready for it.
If you don’t recognize yourself right now, if you feel disoriented or emotionally raw, or if you’re grieving the loss of your “old self,” I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you.
You’re not supposed to feel the same.
Postpartum isn’t just a baby being born. You are being reborn, too!
You’re becoming someone entirely new.
To help you on that journey, I’d like to give you some insight into why this phase of motherhood feels so transformative as well as give you some practical tips that can help you to connect to the new version of yourself as well as your previous self.
What is this identity shift? And why does it happen?
There is a name for what you’re experiencing: matrescence.
Matrescence refers to the developmental transition into motherhood.
Much like adolescence, it’s a period of profound psychological, emotional and physical change.
Your hormones are shifting, your responsibilities are expanding, your relationships are being reshaped and your sense of self is reorganizing around an entirely new role.
This shift happens because becoming a mother doesn’t simply add something to your life: it restructures it at its core.
Your body becomes a caregiver. Your nervous system becomes more vigilant. Your priorities, time, identity and sense of responsibility all change at once.
We all recognize how deeply impactful puberty is, yet matrescence is rarely talked about with the same respect or understanding.
Instead, the focus tends to stay on the baby, their development, milestones and needs, while the mother’s internal transformation happens quietly in the background.
Often without language. Often without support.
That’s why for so many moms, this transformation can feel more overwhelming and disorienting than they were expecting going into pregnancy and postpartum.
Feeling that way doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
It simply means your system is adapting to one of the most significant and intense identity shifts a person can experience.
Why does this identity shift feel so intense?
Most women go through several identity changes before they enter motherhood: career shifts, relationship changes, moves, losses.
But becoming a mother often feels different. Heavier. More consuming. More disorienting.
I hear mothers say this all the time: “I’ve handled a lot of change in my life but nothing has ever felt quite like this.”
And they’re right.
That’s because the transition into motherhood isn’t just one change.
It’s several profound changes happening all at once with very little time to catch your breath.
1. Your body is going through a massive adjustment
Your body is recovering, healing and recalibrating – often while feeding and caring for someone else around the clock.
Sleep deprivation has become the norm.
Your hormones are literally going haywire.
Physical changes may make your body feel unfamiliar or unpredictable.
And on top of that, there’s often quiet (or loud) pressure to “bounce back” to what you looked like before pregnancy – all before you’ve even had enough time to adjust to the huge transformation you’ve just gone through.
These changes alone would be enough for you to feel raw, overstimulated and unlike yourself.
2. Your emotional world shifts too.
At the same time your body is adjusting, your emotional landscape is changing just as dramatically.
Hormonal changes can drastically alter your emotions on a moment to moment basis.
Postpartum anxiety or depression can emerge during this period – sometimes loudly, sometimes so quietly you don’t recognize it at first.
You may feel overjoyed one moment and then tearful, numb or overwhelmed the next.
You may feel like underneath all of the positive emotions and love you’re feeling, there is this constant sense of fear and dread that is simmering right below the surface.
3. All of a sudden, there is so much responsibility and pressure.
Almost overnight, the weight of responsibility increases. You are now responsible for another human being’s survival, their safety, nourishment, comfort and well-being.
That level of responsibility alone can reshape how you think, plan and move through the world.
But it isn’t just the pressure of having to keep another human being alive.
There’s also the emotional pressure: to be a “good mom,” to make the “right” choices, to meet the expectations of family, culture and society.
Pressure to feel grateful. Pressure to feel happy. Pressure to love every moment, even when you’re exhausted or struggling..
And often, there’s also pressure (internal or external) to return to who you were before motherhood. To be productive, confident, put-together and emotionally steady as if nothing fundamental has changed.
But something has changed. In many ways, everything has.
Your inner world and outer world are both being entirely reshaped at the same time.
When you reflect on the magnitude of that, it makes complete sense that the transition into motherhood can feel so intense, overwhelming and deeply disorienting at times.
What to expect: the phases of the motherhood identity shift
There’s no single “right” way to move through the identity shift into motherhood.
Every woman’s experience is different. And still, many mothers describe moving through similar emotional phases as they adjust to this new season of life.
These phases don’t follow a neat timeline. You may move back and forth between them. You may recognize parts of yourself in more than one at the same time.
All of that is entirely normal.
Phase One: The identity crisis
For many women, the first phase is marked by a kind of quiet grief – even alongside deep love for their baby.
You might notice a slight resentment at the loss of autonomy. A longing for the life you had before. A sense of disconnection from the version of yourself you used to know.
You may find yourself asking “Who am I now?” and struggle to integrate your old identity with this new role.
Some women describe feeling like a stranger in their own life – as if everything looks familiar, but nothing feels the same.
It’s important to say this out loud:
You can love your baby deeply and still miss your old life. Those feelings can exist together.
Grief in this phase doesn’t mean regret. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.
It simply means something meaningful has changed. And your system is trying to make sense of it.
Phase Two: The discovery stage
With time, support and a little more breathing room, things often begin to soften naturally.
You may start noticing your emotional world more clearly: what it is that triggers you, what grounds you, what feels heavy and what brings moments of relief.
You may also find yourself re-evaluating what truly matters. Some things fall away. Other things take on a new importance. You might experiment with new routines, rhythms and ways of being – trying things on to see what feels supportive for this new version of yourself.
This phase is often tender and vulnerable. But there’s also less judgment and a little more curiosity. You’re not trying to “fix” yourself or desperately get back to your old self anymore.
Instead, you’re beginning to find joy in exploring this new version of yourself.
Phase Three: Acceptance & integration
Eventually, things slowly begin to integrate.
You may notice a growing sense of steadiness, not because everything feels easy, but because you feel more anchored inside yourself. There’s often more confidence in your decisions and a deeper trust in your own instincts as a mother.
The rigid rules soften. Comparison loses some of its grip. You begin to define motherhood on your own terms.
This is also where parts of your old self begin to reemerge. Not in the same way as before, but woven into who you are now.
The woman you were before motherhood hasn’t disappeared. She’s integrating with the mother you’ve become, creating a version of you that is broader, richer and more complex than either identity alone.
Practical ways to support yourself during this identity shift
Tip #1: Honor the shift and give yourself permission to evolve
As we’ve explored in this article, motherhood changes everything and it’s normal to feel a little (or a lot!) overwhelmed.
Instead of constantly pushing yourself to get back to who you were before, try to embrace a mindset where you allow yourself to notice and sit with this ancient and profound transformation that is happening inside you.
You are allowed to struggle.
You are allowed to feel joy and grief at the same time.
And you are allowed to evolve at your own pace.
Let go of all of the “shoulds” floating around in your head. All of the invisible rules telling you how fast you need to recover, how perfectly you need to parent or how quickly you should feel like yourself again.
Motherhood is a sacred part of life that isn’t about perfection, but rather about presence, connection and learning to trust yourself in this new role.
Showing yourself grace is not optional, it’s essential!
Tip #2: Reconnect with yourself and your body
It’s easy to feel completely disconnected from yourself after birth. Your body is healing, your sleep is disrupted and your nervous system is constantly on alert. One of the most powerful ways to ground yourself is to reconnect with your body, even in small ways.
You don’t need hours for this. Try five minutes of mindful breathing before bed or ten minutes of journaling to check in with how you’re feeling in the morning.
Set yourself phone reminders to check in with yourself so you can notice your thoughts, your heartbeat and the tension or softness in your body.
These moments of presence help you feel more centered and in touch with yourself, even amidst the chaos of new motherhood.
Tip #3: Carve out small moments to do things that you love
Let’s just be honest: During this stage, you’ll probably not have the time or energy for long self-care rituals or your favorite pre-pregnancy Sunday routine and that’s okay.
What matters are the small, intentional moments that remind you who you are outside of motherhood.
Take just 15 minutes a day to do something that nourishes your spirit, even if it feels minor: a short walk around the blog, listening to your favorite podcast, reading a few pages of a book or drinking a quiet cup of tea while meditating.
It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as these activities make you feel grounded and remind you that you’re still yourself, even as your life evolves.
Tip #4: Embrace and explore these newly added parts of yourself
It’s natural to focus on what you’ve lost, but try to look at motherhood as something that you’re gaining.
You’re not losing yourself – you’re just expanding!
Those previous versions of yourself are still inside you and they always will be. But right now, you have the chance to explore all the beautiful facets of this new part of yourself that you’ve just unlocked.
Ask yourself questions like:
What values are emerging in this new phase of my life?
What strengths do I see in myself that weren’t as visible before?
How can I nurture and celebrate this evolving self?
Instead of grieving only for what’s gone, notice the parts of you that are flourishing.
This process of self-discovery helps you truly embrace your new role so that eventually you’ll be able to integrate with your old self, creating a more balanced and authentic identity.
Tip #5: Build a circle of support and community
In many cases, adjusting to motherhood can feel extremely difficult because we’re trying to carry the weight of it all on our own.
But motherhood isn’t meant to be navigated alone.
Having people who understand what you’re experiencing can be deeply healing. If you can, try to seek out other moms, friends or family members who can share their own experiences and listen without judgment.
Also, don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed to ask for help. Practice reaching out early, whether it’s for childcare, a listening ear or shared meals.
If you don’t have a lot of support in your family or community (which a lot of mothers don’t), postpartum therapy and support groups can also provide a safe space for you to process your feelings, reduce isolation and build confidence in your parenting.
Connection is regulating: when you feel supported, your nervous system and your mind feel lighter too. And you’ll have a much easier time adjusting to the changes you are experiencing.
Tip #6: Set boundaries and protect your energy
Your capacity is different right now and it’s important to honor that! By protecting your limited but valuable energy, you allow yourself to focus more on what matters most - you and your baby.
Learn to say “no” to things that drain you and give yourself permission to step back from obligations that aren’t essential. Reducing external pressures isn’t selfish, it’s a form of self-care and self-respect that is vital to you shifting into your new role with grace.
Boundaries can be small but meaningful: saying no to an extra commitment and using that little bit of extra time to fill your own cup can have a huge impact on your overall sense of self.
You might also consider limiting social media or other sources of comparison and self-doubt that are stealing your valuable energy and making you feel drained, behind or like you’re not good enough!
Tip #7: Try to find humor & gratitude and always remember: this is a phase!
Early motherhood is intense but it is also temporary. Everything is changing constantly and the stage you’re in now will shift with time. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, your baby will grow up and one day it won’t need you the way it does now.
As your child grows, so will the time that you have available to return to the activities that once made you feel like yourself.
So instead of focusing on all of the things you can’t have right now, shift your focus to everything that you can currently have and everything that you are grateful for.
Ask yourself: What might I miss about this phase someday? What small moments bring laughter, connection or calm?
Practicing gratitude doesn’t erase challenges, but it can help you hold the intensity with compassion and perspective.
Final thoughts: You are still you – just becoming MORE
The main thing I’d like you to take away from this article is that what you’re experiencing is completely normal. Identity shifts in motherhood are profound and feeling unsteady or unfamiliar with yourself doesn’t mean you’re doing anything “wrong.”
You are learning, adapting, and evolving. And that takes time!
Motherhood is not a destination; it’s an ongoing journey of growth and self-discovery.
Your identity hasn’t been replaced – it has expanded.
You haven’t become someone different; you haven’t lost the old you either.
You’ve simply become MORE.
More capable, more resilient, more compassionate, more whole.
And while parts of yourself may lay dormant for right now while you pour yourself into your baby (literally and metaphorically!) – with time, you’ll find that you will learn how to embrace, reconnect to and integrate all of the different parts of yourself.
You will have become the version of yourself you were always meant to be!
Are you looking for an online postpartum therapist in California?
If at any point during this journey into motherhood you feel too isolated, overwhelmed or unsure of how to move forward, know that professional 1:1 support is always available.
My name is Justine Gordon, I’m a licensed online therapist in California and I offer a compassionate, judgment-free space for mothers to process their feelings, reconnect with themselves and find grounding as they move through this transformative stage of entering motherhood.