A Driven Person’s Guide To Overcoming Perfectionism Without Sacrificing Your Ambition
Are you someone who thinks of themselves as driven and ambitious? If so, it might feel somewhat uncomfortable when someone labels your desire to achieve as “perfectionism”.
Setting ambitious goals, working hard to achieve your dreams and trying to reach your full potential is something that you’re proud of. So why would you label that as something dysfunctional.
To really get into the root causes of why so many high-achieving individuals struggle with anxiety, stress, burnout and depression, we have to first understand that what we consider perfectionism doesn’t really describe a set of behaviors.
From a therapeutic perspective, perfectionism really refers to the reasons why you are working so hard to achieve perfection in the first place. In the scientific mental health literature, we distinguish between two types of causes: adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism.
Adaptive perfectionism is a healthy style of striving for excellence. You set ambitious goals and are motivated by joy, passion or the desire for mastery. You know that failure and mistakes are a part of the journey so when they happen, it doesn’t impact your sense of self-worth.
With maladaptive perfectionism on the other hand, the striving for perfection is motivated by fear of insecurity. You set impossibly high standards for yourself, are constantly afraid that something is going to go wrong and shame/criticize yourself if it does.
You might know that your high standards are exhausting you but still not be able to stop it because underneath it all, there is something inside that keeps you pushing harder and harder.
What if slowing down means I lose my edge? What If I don’t get this right and something bad happens? What if I stop pushing myself so hard and I will suffer as a result?
If that sounds familiar, I have good news! Overcoming this type of perfectionism doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your hard work and ambition.
In this article I’m going to walk you through a step-by-step process to help you understand what underlying fears are fueling your perfectionism and what you can do to address those fears so that you can work hard without constant anxiety, fear of failure and self-criticism.
I’ll also share some thoughts on how to figure out if you could benefit from therapy for your perfectionism and give you some additional resources to dive deeper into the topic.
“What kind of perfectionist am I?” - A self-assessment to identify your type of perfectionism
You may have always known that you are a perfectionist, but do you know what kind?
There are three types of perfectionism that were conceptualized in the 1980s by two researchers called Hewitt & Flett and have been subject to vigorous research over the years.
Knowing what type you are can be a really helpful starting point when trying to get to the root of what is driving your perfectionism.
So before we get started diving into the nitty gritty of each type, I highly recommend that you take the following perfectionism assessment first so you can process all of the following information in context to your own personal experience.
It should only take about 3-5 minutes to answer the questions.
And as always, just a quick disclaimer: This type of assessment is for educational and self-reflective purposes only and not to be considered a diagnostic tool. But it can be a great way to help you get a general sense for what type(s) of perfectionism you might be dealing with. So it’s definitely worth taking!
“What do the three types of perfectionism mean?” - Understanding each type of perfectionism
Perfectionist behavior can often look very similar on the outside: constant fear of making mistakes and viewing every little mistake as a complete personal failure, harsh self-criticism and self-doubt, chasing impossibly high standards or chronic procrastination out of fear that you will fail.
However, those types of behaviors don’t actually tell you the whole story of why someone is acting that way. Two people can both be working themselves into the ground trying to be perfect for completely different reasons.
The three types of perfectionism can help you understand where that pressure is coming from and what you’ve come to believe might happen if you stopped trying to get everything right all the time.
In many cases, there is one main underlying fear or self-belief that makes you lean towards one of the three types. But I’ve seen plenty of cases where two or even all three types of perfectionism are driving people’s behaviors.
Instead of thinking of these types as mutually exclusive diagnoses, think of them as different types of fears that may or may not be influencing you to varying degrees.
Self-oriented perfectionism
With self-oriented perfectionism, the pressure comes primarily from within yourself.
You hold yourself to extremely high standards and feel responsible for meeting them. It isn't just that you want to do well but rather that doing well feels like a requirement for feeling good about yourself.
Underlying self-belief: “I need to be perfect to feel good enough.”
Underlying fear/insecurity: If I don't perform well, it proves that I am inadequate, unloveable and unworthy.
Underlying goal of perfectionism: trying to prove your worth to yourself.
Here are a few of the patterns that might feel familiar if you struggle with self-oriented perfectionism:
Being highly self-critical when you make mistakes
Feeling like your work is never quite good enough, even when others think it is
Setting extremely high standards for yourself
Spending excessive time perfecting details that others may not notice
Difficulty feeling satisfied or proud of your accomplishments
Replaying mistakes and thinking about what you should have done differently
Feeling guilty or disappointed in yourself when you don't meet your own expectations
Procrastinating because you're afraid you won't be able to do something perfectly
Taking on too much because you feel you should be able to handle it all
Tying your sense of self-worth to how well you're performing
What can you do to overcome self-oriented perfectionism?
The main task for people struggling with self-oriented perfectionism is learning how to separate performance from self-worth. You can still have high standards. You can still want to do excellent work. The difference is that a mistake or a less-than-perfect outcome doesn't have to become evidence that you're not good enough.
A few things to try:
Create awareness of what is actually “good enough” before you begin.
If you wait until you're finished to decide whether something is good enough, you may continue to move the goalpost and never feel done. So before starting your next task or project, sit down and decide what a successful outcome realistically looks like in advance.
That way you’ll have an external standard to judge your progress against, when your anxiety starts telling you it’s not good enough.
Let yourself make small mistakes or stop when it’s just good enough.
The best way to combat perfectionism is not with huge, uncomfortable change. Start with small changes. Send that email without giving in to the urge to reread, tweak and check it five times. Try something you're not immediately good at. Leave a minor task slightly imperfect.
The point isn't to become careless. It's to signal to your brain through repeated experience that making a mistake doesn't lead to the catastrophic outcome your perfectionism is so worried about.
Practice mindfulness so you can notice when a mistake becomes self-judgement.
Learning to become more mindful of your inner narrative and thoughts can help you be more aware of the language you use after something goes wrong. Is it “I made a mistake” or does it quickly become “I should have known better,” “I'm terrible at this,” or “I can't believe I did that”?
The first step towards separating those types of thoughts from your identity is to notice when they happen so you can have the chance to pause and react differently.
Practice replacing self-critical thoughts with more balanced ones.
You don't have to force yourself into overly positive thinking. If “I'm amazing and mistakes don't matter!” doesn't feel believable just yet, it’s probably not going to be very helpful and there is no point in repeating affirmations you think are silly.
Instead, try replacing harsh, absolute thoughts with something more accurate and compassionate:
“I should have done better” might become “I would have preferred a different outcome, but mistakes happen.”
“I'm terrible at this.” might become “This is something I'm still learning.”
“I can't believe I messed that up.” might become “I made a mistake. I can figure out what happened and move forward.”
Over time, my goal for you would be to be able to move from “I need to perform well to feel good enough” toward “I can care deeply about what I do without making my performance a measure of my worth.”
Socially-prescribed perfectionism
With socially-prescribed perfectionism, the pressure feels like it's coming from outside of you.
You constantly feel as though other people expect you to have it all together. It isn’t just that you want to please others or be kind but rather that other people approving of you is a requirement for feeling good about yourself.
Sometimes those expectations are explicit but often, they aren't and people don’t realize they have internalized expectations from their family, culture, career or relationships.
Underlying self-belief: “I need to be perfect to be accepted and valued by others.”
Underlying fear/insecurity: If I disappoint people or make a mistake, I will be rejected, judged, ridiculed or ostracized.
Underlying goal of perfectionism: trying to secure approval and social inclusion.
Here are a few of the patterns that might feel familiar if you struggle with socially-prescribed perfectionism:
Feeling like you need to appear successful, capable or put-together
Worrying that people will think less of you if you fail or make a mistake
Feeling pressure to live up to your family's, partner's, boss's or society's expectations
Comparing yourself to other people and feeling like you're falling behind
Saying yes or taking on more because you don't want to disappoint anyone
Hiding struggles because you don't want other people to see that you're not doing okay
Feeling like you have to maintain a certain image of yourself
Seeking reassurance that you're doing well or that others aren't disappointed in you
Feeling anxious about disappointing people, even when their expectations haven't actually been stated
Choosing what you should do over what you genuinely want because of what you think others will expect
What can you do to overcome socially-prescribed perfectionism?
The main task for people struggling with socially prescribed perfectionism is learning how to separate other people's expectations from your own sense of worth and safety.
You can still care about what other people think. You can still want to make a good impression and be someone others can rely on. However, the goal would be to help your brain understand that you don't have to be perfect to feel accepted, respected or worthy so that your mental health doesn’t depend on how you think others are perceiving you.
To help you work on this, you can try some of these:
Become aware of and question the expectations you're trying to meet.
The next time you are in a situation where you feel like you should be doing more, achieving more or handling something better, pause and ask yourself where that expectation is actually coming from.
Who expects this from me? Did they actually say that? What evidence do I have that they will be disappointed if I don't do it?
Sometimes there are very real expectations placed on you by a job, your family, a relationship or a friend. But other times, you may have internalized an expectation so deeply that you just take it at face value, even though it isn’t actually real.
Learning to distinguish between what someone is actually asking of you and what you imagine they expect from you is the most important first step in helping you overcome this type of perfectionism.
Let yourself disappoint people in small ways.
If you've spent years trying to be everything everyone needs you to be, it can feel incredibly uncomfortable to say no, ask for help, make a mistake or simply not do what you think someone else is expecting of you.
So start small. Say no to something you don't have the capacity for. Don't immediately volunteer to fix a problem that isn't yours. Turn in something when it's finished rather than continuing to improve it because you're worried about what someone will think.
The point isn't to become inconsiderate or stop caring about other people altogether. Obviously, you still want to be a good person. But the goal would be to give yourself repeated experiences of not meeting every expectation you think someone has of you and discovering that you can tolerate the discomfort that follows.
Practice mindfulness so you can notice when an assumption becomes a fact.
Socially prescribed perfectionism often involves a lot of predicting and assuming what other people will think: They're going to think I'm incompetent. They'll be disappointed in me. They'll realize I'm not as capable as they thought. They'll be mad at me for not meeting their needs.
Learning to become more mindful of these thoughts can help you notice when you're treating a prediction as though it's already a fact.
So the first step would be to simply to learn to catch yourself doing it. What am I actually being told here and what am I imagining someone might think? Creating that little bit of space gives you the opportunity to respond rather than automatically trying to prevent a rejection or disappointment that may never happen.
Practice replacing “They’re going to hate me” with a more balanced perspective.
You don't have to convince yourself that other people's opinions don't matter. They do, sometimes. But you can learn to hold those opinions alongside your own needs, values and reality.
Try replacing thoughts like:
“They're going to think I'm lazy.” might become “Someone might have an opinion about this, but that doesn't determine whether I'm doing the right thing for me.
“I can't let them down.” might become “I can care about someone and still have limits.”
“Everyone else is ahead of me.” might become “I'm comparing my life to an imagined timeline. I get to decide what matters to me.”
Over time, my goal for you would be to move from “I need to meet everyone's expectations to feel worthy and accepted” toward “I can care about what other people think without letting their expectations determine my worth or the life I choose.”
Other-oriented perfectionism
With other-oriented perfectionism, the pressure is directed at other people, not at yourself.
You have high standards and high expectations for the people around you and experience frustration, disappointment or resentment when those expectations aren’t met. That doesn’t mean you expect people to be perfect necessarily, but rather that you have a really strong need for things to be done “properly” by your own definition.
Underlying self-belief: “I need things and the people to be a certain way in order to feel okay.”
Underlying fear/insecurity: If I can't control how things are done, I may be let down, disappointed, overwhelmed or forced to deal with consequences I could have prevented.
Underlying goal of perfectionism: Trying to create control, predictability or safety in external environment in order to feel safety internally
Here are a few of the patterns that might feel familiar if you struggle with other-oriented perfectionism:
Becoming frustrated when other people don't do things the way you would
Having difficulty delegating because you don't trust others to do things correctly
Feeling like you have to take over when someone isn't meeting your standards
Being highly critical of other people's mistakes or shortcomings
Feeling disappointed when others don't live up to your expectations
Having very specific ideas about how things should be done
Becoming resentful when other people don't seem to care as much as you do
Struggling to let go of something someone did “wrong,” even after the situation has passed
Expecting a lot from partners, friends, coworkers or family members
Experiencing recurring conflict because others feel judged, criticized or impossible to please
What can you do to overcome other-oriented perfectionism?
The main task for people struggling with other-oriented perfectionism is learning how to separate genuine standards from the need to have things done your way.
You can still have expectations of other people. You can still value competence, reliability and doing things well. The difference is that you don't have to control every detail or expect perfection from the people around you in order to feel okay.
Separate standards from preferences.
Change always begins with awareness. So the next time you notice yourself wanting to correct someone, take over a task or become frustrated that something wasn't done your way, pause and ask yourself: Is this actually wrong or is it just different from how I would do it?
There will absolutely be times when your standards genuinely matter. But there will also be plenty of situations where there are multiple perfectly acceptable ways to do something. Distinguishing between a requirement and a personal preference can help you decide where your energy is actually worth investing in this situation.
Let other people do things differently.
Once you've identified something that doesn't actually need to be done your way, practice letting someone else handle it. Delegate a task without checking every detail. Let your partner load the dishwasher differently. Resist the urge to redo something simply because you would have done it another way.
You may feel uncomfortable at first. That's part of the journey.
The point isn't to convince yourself that their way is better. It's to teach yourself that something can be different from your preferred way and you can still be okay.
Practice mindfulness so you can notice when frustration turns into criticism or control.
When you intentionally let someone not meet your expectations, pay attention to what happens next. You may notice yourself thinking things like “Why can't they just do this properly?” or “It's easier if I just do it myself.”
Pause and ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? What am I telling myself about this person? Am I trying to solve an actual problem or am I trying to get rid of my discomfort by taking control?
By noticing the shift from frustration to criticism or control, you can learn to create enough space to choose a different response.
Start responding to your underlying needs instead.
If you’re struggling with other-oriented perfectionism, your frustration is usually telling you something about an underlying need that you have. Maybe you need more support. Maybe you need more acknowledgement or appreciation for your effort. Maybe you need a break.
Instead of expressing that need through criticism or trying to control the situation, practice identifying and communicating it directly.
“Why do I have to do everything myself?” might become “I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need more support right now. Can we figure out what we can take off my plate?”
“How hard is it to do this properly?” might become “I’ve put a lot of effort into making this work and I’m feeling unappreciated. I’d really like you to acknowledge how much I’ve been carrying.”
“If I don’t do it myself, everything is going to fall apart.” might become “I’m exhausted and I think I need a break. I don’t actually need to solve this right now.”
Over time, my goal for you would be to move from “I need people and situations to be exactly right in order to feel okay” toward “I can have standards, communicate what I need and tolerate things being imperfect without needing to control everything around me.”
“When should I see a therapist for my perfectionism?” - How to know if you might benefit from starting therapy
If you’ve made it this far in the article, you probably recognized yourself in some of the perfectionism patterns - whether that would be because of the self-assessment or some of the descriptions of self-oriented, socially prescribed and other-oriented perfectionism.
When it comes to the question of whether someone navigating perfectionism would benefit from therapy or not, there isn’t really a one-size-fits-all answer. It entirely depends on you and your situation.
Here are a few questions you might ask yourself to get a better idea:
Do you think that your perfectionism has become maladaptive, meaning you experience things like anxiety, burnout, depression or procrastination because of it?
Do you feel like your perfectionism genuinely impacts your life, your relationships and your goals? Does it keep you from trying new things or pursuing things you genuinely want?
Have you tried working through some of your perfectionist habits on your own and, despite your best efforts, still feel like you haven’t been able to shake the fears underneath them?
Do you want to better understand and explore the root causes of your perfectionism and how it might relate to other mental health challenges you’re experiencing?
If you’ve answered the majority of these questions with yes, then that could be a good indication that therapy might be the right step for you.
You learn more about therapy for perfectionism and how it might be able to help you here.
“Where can I learn more about perfectionism?” - Helpful resources to dive deeper into the subject matter
If you’ve found this article interesting and would like to dive deeper into the topic of perfectionism, let me recommend a few more resources that could help you learn more about the subject.
If you’re a reader, I can highly recommend a book called The Perfectionism Trap: Embracing The Power of Good Enough by Thomas Curran.
If reading isn’t your thing and you’d prefer to listen new information, here are some interesting podcast options:
Escaping Perfectionism with Thomas Curran on the Hidden Brain Podcast
Which kind of perfectionist are you? On the Owning It: The Anxiety Podcast
The Psychology of Perfectionism on the The Psychology of Your 20s Podcast
Want to dive deeper into the research?
You can actually learn more about the research behind the three types of perfectionism from the Perfectionism and Psychotherapy Lab at the University of British Columbia.
Final Thoughts: You don’t have to lower your standards
Throughout this article, we’ve explored the difference between having high standards and being a perfectionist as well as looked at the different ways that perfectionism can show up in your life.
I hope to have helped you realize that high standards in themselves aren't inherently the problem at all. Perfectionism only becomes problematic in regards to your mental health and well-being when the pursuit of those high standards becomes destructive and negatively impacts your worth and sense of self.
The goal is not to get rid of your ambition and hard work. It's to address potential underlying fears that are causing the perfectionist behaviors so you can work hard and feel proud of yourself/feel accomplished without being afraid of failure or mistakes all the time.
Are you looking for a therapist for ambitious, driven individuals in Los Angeles, California?
Justine Gordon is a Los Angeles–based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works with ambitious, driven adults experiencing anxiety, burnout, perfectionism and chronic stress. Having grown up in a high-achieving environment herself, she understands the complicated relationship that can develop between success, self-worth and well-being.
If you’re navigating perfectionism and anxiety, therapy can be a space to understand what’s keeping you stuck in that pattern and learn a more sustainable way of moving through life. Schedule a free consultation with Justine to see if working together feels like the right fit.